handcuffs-524x373

And may the odds forever be in your favor…

It happens every year. The temperatures drop, the daisy duke shorts are slowly folded and put away, hoodies and sweaters slowly emerge, and leaves begin to turn colors. Although this perfectly describes the beginning of fall, I’m talking about the imperative time of year known now as Cuffing Season. Each year as fall begins and winter approaches, the fun and free-spirited attitude of summer fades. The promiscuous and wild nature of so many dwindles and the longing for something more substantial erupts. So you can get better idea of the definition of Cuffing Season, lets look to everyone’s favorite credible source Urban Dictionary:

Picture 17

Since there is roughly 3-5 more days before Cuffing Season begins, here is a small survival guide to get through this year’s season, cuffed or not.

Be Open to Being Cuffed

Secretly, everyone wants to be cuffed during the winter months. It just simply makes sense, temperatures don’t permit frequent outdoor activity thus having a permanent stay to warm things up with insides is beneficial. The consistent fall/winter boo is great for passing time, engaging in fun sex and venting to, in a slightly emotional way. Now, in order to be cuffed one has to be desirable and seemingly not thirsty for the cuffed relationship (pretend you aren’t concerned with being cuffed even though we all know you are). Honestly, that summer fling of yours is about to dump you anyway for their next season boo, so stay open minded to meeting new people who could potentially cuff you.

Follow the Calendar

There is a rough time table for Cuffing Season. September is largely considered the pre-season where prospective cuffers seek and get to know others in a more personal way than they did during the hot and wild summer months. Generally cuffing season starts around the fall equinox (this year September 22) and lasts until spring. If you roughly follow the following calendar (from 2011) you should be okay this year.

tumblr_lqg5yfUOHo1qbr14fo1_500

Treat It Like a Relationship (Though It’s Not)

Sex is one of the better benefits of being cuffed, but there are plenty of other benefits to being cuffed during the winter months. No one, repeat no one wants to spend the winter months alone. It’s too cold and watching others go ice-skating in the park while you look onward desperately trying to reach your cuffed friends is pretty pathetic. Holiday celebrations are more lively when you’re cuffed and if you have cuffed a gem, it’s a great trophy piece to show off to your bothersome family at holiday dinners. But to keep these benefits going, one has to be a good cuffer. This means treating the cuff relationship like a real one. There is no outward show of entertaining others, no missed dates, no prolonged rendezvous, or severe inconsistencies. If you can’t adhere to the cuffing rules, you’ll find yourself like your uncuffed friends–desperately lonely.

Don’t Listen to Drake at Night While Alone

images-4This one goes for those who are cuffed as well as the ones who aren’t cuffed. As we all know, Drake makes dangerous music. Albeit great, his music often throws us deep into our bag of feelings and usually has us longing to reach out to our ex and rekindle that old flame. THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE. For those who aren’t cuffed, it’s already hard enough realizing everyone is paired off but you add a little Drake and you’re heading down a dark road. For those who are lucky enough to be cuffed, listening to Drake usually won’t make you think about your current cuffer, but rather those past situations you left behind. Avoid the confusion, avoid Drake on those random lonely nights and remain focused!

If You Aren’t Cuffed…Ignore, Ignore, Ignore.

Okay so you weren’t drafted for this year’s Cuffing Season, it happens. The trick to avoid suicidal thoughts is to avoid all popular couple spots and activities, ignore all romantic comedies and focus all your attention to a personal hobby. This is the perfect opportunity to finish that novel you started writing, take up knitting or organize your iTunes library. Ignorance is bliss, so do all that you can to remain ignorant to the fact that everyone you know has someone to call on their lonely nights, when they have that certain itching, and you don’t. Also, don’t broadcast too heavily that you are uncuffed! You’ll lend yourself to become the counselor to your friend’s pseudo relationship drama and you definitely don’t want to waste your best advice on a glorified f*ck buddy.

Cuffing Season should be a wonderful time for all, cuffed or not. With the above guidelines and some applied common sense, it’s another season to easily navigate. As stated before, in the immortal words from Hunger Games, “And may the odds forever be in your favor!” Enjoy this year’s Cuffing Season!

Will You Survive This Year’s Cuffing Season?

-Cj

 

 

3

3 thoughts on “Cuffing Season: A Survival Guide

*

  1. Looking for a cuffee 11 years ago

    By far my fave article!!!

  2. Big Cuffness 11 years ago

    LMAO! this is great, especially “Don’t Listen to Drake at Night While Alone” .. yup so true

  3. RL 11 years ago

    haha loved this …Def guna avoid Drake this season lol :)