I’m personally tired of inconsistency. It’s a Thursday night and of course I’m pondering this as I’m sitting here typing and soaking up my thoughts over my last glass of wine and Scandal…
Yes, I could easily go out and meet people, Yes this is an alcohol induced rant, and Yes, I find it fairly easy to enjoy the company of others on casual dates but I always find it difficult to make the connection or the transition from casual dating or friendship to exclusivity or a relationship. I’ve been single for two, going on three, years now; and while it’s always nice to have options and people in my phone that I can call at any moment if I’m interested in grabbing a bite(or a drink…or both) or catching a movie, it’d be great to have something consistent. It’d be great to know that I have just one person I know that I can rely on and who wants the same things that I do.
My cousin posted a status on facebook a couple days ago stating that if you continuously have problems in the romance department or are constantly involved with the “wrong” ones, then you are the problem….This is a concept I typically disregard. I can’t be the problem. I’m honest and straightforward about what I want, I’m ambitious and hard working, and I’m the type of person who goes out of her way and would do anything for my friends and family. I show this same commitment with a person I have feelings for, so how could it possibly be me? How could I be “the problem”? I didn’t actually accept this notion until I started to consider the facts. I’m 25, and for the last few years I think I’ve created a hindrance, a road block on my journey to happiness or monogamy. Trust issues…I have them. These issues stem from deeply rooted family issues that I’d rather not bring to the surface…but I’m not damaged. I’m just weary…weary and cautious. One step in the wrong direction could drop me in a continuous spiral of hopes and dreams of being with the “right” person, only for it to result in me making them a priority and them making me their option.
I know, I know, at this age I’m just expected to enjoy life, but it’s not that easy for me. I approach life as a free spirit and relationships as an uptight worry wart. When I meet someone, I find it very difficult to just go with the flow. I need honest communication and I need to know the expectations so that I know how to proceed. This is why I over analyze after meeting someone or spending time with them for just a couple weeks. I’m sick of situations that last for three or four months tops because one or both of us loses interest. Something that short term is a complete waste of time. This usually is the point where my roommate would roll his eyes at me and tell me to stop being crazy and over analyzing every aspect of my dating life, but past experiences have taught me that the easy going approach only leads to further confusion, inconsistency, and disappointment.
“When you’re young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone… or a heart.”
-Aliyah
