I know you think it’s funny that your ex is not a running back, but that n*gga came running back…”-Drake, “Mine”
Let’s kick this off with a hypothetical situation… You have recently started dating someone new and the chemistry between the two of you is undeniable. You’re finding that the conversations are fulfilling and you’re being mentally stimulated on multiple levels. Aside from all of that, you’re communicating with each other on a frequent and consistent basis which is a refreshing change in comparison to the people you’re used to “dating”. You’re constantly making plans and excited for what’s to come. It almost seems too good to be true. Thank God, you realized this because it is. Almost out of the blue, their ex enters the picture. But wait… it soon becomes evident that they never actually left so… how exactly do you proceed from here?
We’ve all heard various myths about the amount of time that it takes for one to fully get over their ex but realistically, who can make such a general determination? Everybody heals in different ways and people typically move on from failed romantic relationships when they are fully prepared to do so. There’s no scientific formula or mathematic equation that tells you when you are ready to make amends with the fact that it is truly over. Everything is circumstantial and certain situations are easier to let of go of than others. That being said, is it fair to involve others in the process as you attempt to figure out whether or not you’re truly over your ex? If you’re unsure, here are a few hints that you may not actually be as ready to move on as you think you are:
The fact that you’re even questioning whether or not you’re over your ex…
Unresolved feelings are common after a break-up. Feeling as though you have not received any form of closure can often hold you back from fully pursuing other romantic ventures. In those cases, many people would refrain from dating in an effort to figure themselves out first. However, if you have already become involved with someone else while holding onto the feelings of longing for your ex, chances are you will only cause yourself further confusion and potentially come into conflict with the person you are getting to know.
You find yourself reminiscing about the past a little more often than you should.
We inevitably revisit fond memories from the past. Positive memories from our childhood, joyous occasions such as high school proms and family gatherings, as well as college memories are examples of past occurrences that people often reflect on but never to the degree that they constantly control their thoughts. If you are endlessly thinking about memories of you and your ex accompanied with refusal to delete pictures, constant visitation of their profiles on social media sites and longing for some form of contact, it’s pretty safe to assume that you are not fully over the situation. In fact, it appears as though you may want them back in your life.
Your ex still has a presence in your life… an overbearing one.
Before I proceed, allow me to say that many people are able to maintain healthy friendships with their exes after things don’t work out romantically. Sometimes you realize that you can love a person without being in love with a person. Some people even come to realize that they are simply better suited as friends and are able to focus on that aspect of their relationship. However, if your ex’s presence in your life makes someone that you are attempting to become romantically involved with uncomfortable to the point that they are constantly questioning the degree to which you are still involved with your ex, you may want to consider the way in which your ex is still involved in your life. Keep in mind, nobody wants to constantly hear about your ex when they are attempting to move towards becoming your next. It’s not fun to feel as though you’re in constant competition with someone’s past and truthfully how much someone likes you doesn’t remotely compare to how much they love someone else. If you are continually allowing someone from your past to inadvertently control how you proceed in your current love life, you should consider whether or not you should be involving someone new in it to begin with.When venturing into new territory it is always important to use your acquired past experiences but do not forget that you are in fact in a new place.
(Here’s an example of an Ex that one might find intimidating if they’re attempting to get to know you…)
So to return to the question, is it wise to date when your past is a part of your present? Personally, I would say it depends on the level to which your past is involved. As stated before, I do believe that people are perfectly capable of remaining on friendly terms with their ex in a way that is non-threatening to their current love interest. However, if you are fully questioning whether or not you still want to be with your ex or are basing your next move on theirs, you should probably refrain from involving others in your already complicated situation. Honestly, I’m not here to be anyone’s social experiment in determining whether or not they are ready to move on. I can assure you it’s much easier for me to walk away before things progress too far. In fact, I’d prefer honesty from the onset to prevent us both from wasting our time.
What are your thoughts?
-Jordan
