The last time that I cried was on my 21st birthday. I had somehow come to the conclusion that I’d consumed entirely too much alcohol and the only logical thing that could follow was my imminent death from alcohol poisoning. I wasn’t prepared to die that night so I cried hysterically. I distinctly remember proclaiming: “I just turned 21 and I’m already going to die!” . Obviously that wasn’t the case but it was the last time that I tangibly exuded any form of emotion through tears. It concerns me that I am now approaching 25 and have not done so since then.
While I struggle with my own inability to cry, God has seemingly placed me among some of the most emotional people who can cry at the drop of a hat. I often find myself in envy of their ability to outwardly express their frustration, anger, sadness and even joy through this seemingly magical task that I somehow lost after a night of one too many shots while celebrating one of a young adult’s most exciting rites of passage. Is it truly possible for a person to become so numb that they no longer possess the ability to do something that we’ve all done since birth?
I am not emotionless. I do have feelings. I experience hurt. I encounter situations that cause emotional upset just as everyone else does. From what I hear, everyone needs a good cry from time to time to feel better about things that they are going through. So what exactly is preventing me from curling into a fetal position and bawling like a baby? I haven’t quite figured that out yet but perhaps I express my emotions in other ways. Maybe I’m able to release what I’m feeling through writing or through meaningful conversations where I can simply vent and say everything that is on my mind. Maybe I don’t necessarily need to cry to feel. Although I haven’t quite figured any of this out yet, I suppose I’ll continue to wonder. As I endure this journey of life and become better acquainted with myself, I am sure that I will eventually gain some form of understanding and who knows, maybe I’ll actually cry again at some point.