I never loved nobody fully, always one foot on the ground and by protecting my heart truly, I got lost in the sounds…
-Regina Spektor
I am damaged; skeptical that every kind word or gesture is merely a facade that will soon fade away once you grow bored with the situation. I am cynical of your every move; listless and dulled by your attempts to somehow prove that I’m not wasting my time. I am the definition of jaded; hoping for the best but constantly expecting the worst because you’re probably just like the others. Despite all of this, the fact that I can’t bring myself to fully trust or differentiate between you and those from my past, I must apologize because none of this is your fault.
As a result of my interactions from the past, I find it difficult to gauge whether you’re being genuine or looking out for your own hidden agenda. I refuse to let my guard down, constantly fearing that allowing you to know how I truly feel about things may scare you away or indicate that we’re not on the same page which will immediately lead you to take a step back. At times I can over or under react to a given situation. This isn’t because I’m blowing things out of proportion or uncaring, but because certain familiar patterns may sometimes elicit unwarranted responses. I may act as though I’m “unbothered” by things that are truly driving me crazy but it’s simply because I don’t want you to feel as though I’m not able to take things in stride or go with the flow. I need consistency as it relates to communication and any disruption to that can make me a bit uneasy or left with the impression that this “joy ride” is coming to an end. I have insecurities that I’ll never admit to because my pride won’t let me. I’m extremely impatient but require patience. I’m a complex dichotomy and I am fully aware of my contradictions. I embrace my imperfections but sadly expect you not to because as I stated before, I am damaged.
I am not broken; maybe a little bruised but I do not need you to fix, mend or repair me. I am both emotionally and mentally stable; of sound mind, body and soul. I do not need to be coddled. All that I require is understanding and I will give the same in return. I am willing to let down my guard and open up to you emotionally if you are willing to show me that you are different from the rest. We’ve all been through various emotional upsets that have molded our approach in regards to how we conduct ourselves romantically. If you are willing to meet me half way, we can surely work through all of the hurt and pain that we have acquired from the past to ensure that they are no longer a part of our future. But first, allow us to focus on the present.
-Jordan
